Release

I have been thinking about this week's message at my usual thinking time - 6:00 am during my daily rendezvous with the elliptical.  Yesterday I skipped my regular meeting with that instrument of torture because of a huge knot in my left hamstring.  I made all kinds of excuses for skipping out on that part of my routine, but way deep down inside was that little voice that says, "Loser.  You're weak.  If you weren't you would have pushed through the pain.  You will never succeed."  That voice has been with me for as long as I can remember, and I wager that if we were all completely honest, each one of us has that voice with us.  And it doesn't just criticize me for what I am doing now.  When I least expect it, that voice reminds me of things in my past. I'm even getting a little nervous just writing this, wondering what is going to spring up to bite me today.

Here is another way to look at it.  I was having a conversation with a brilliant friend who said those memories and experiences - all the things we were encouraged to remember in last week's sermon - are like beach balls in a swimming pool.  They are always there, they are always with you.  They can get in your way, but you can move them around, "shepherd" them.  They can fluster and frustrate you, but if you try to get rid of them by pushing them under the water they will fly up and become a bigger problem.

I don't know about you, but I think I allow that voice to get to me and hang on to the problems of the past out of fear.  Fear of failure, fear of the future, fear of judgement and condemnation, fear the unknown.  I say things to myself that I would never, in a hundred, million, gazillion years say to a friend.  I know that to some extent that keeps me locked in the past. If we aren't able to release the past and the fear, then they will jump up and block our path, prevent us from seeing the signs, prevent us from being able to move forward, in the direction we are being led.

And then in the midst of trying to corral my beach balls and bring some semblance of coherency to my thoughts I stumbled on a passage from a book that I have been trying to read for five weeks.  (I wonder why it took until yesterday for me to make any progress?)  Paulo Coelho, in Aleph, says it far better than I ever could:

"...I realized that forgiveness works only if you accept it... There is a moment in the Bible, during the Last Supper, when Jesus predicts that one of his disciples will deny him and one will betray him.  He considers both crimes to be equally grave.  Judas betrays him, and, eaten away by guilt, hangs himself.  Peter denies him not just once but three times. He had time to think about what he was doing, but he persisted in his error.  However, instead of punishing himself for this, he makes a strength of his weakness and becomes the first great preacher of the message taught to him by the man whom he had denied in his hours of need.

The message of love was greater than the sin.  Judas failed to understand this, but Peter used it as a working tool." 

Peter released his fear, doubt, and guilt.  He accepted Christ's forgiveness and love.  But he didn't forget.

Remember

 We started a new three-sermon-series this week, the first installment is about starting anew, in the new year, and remembering.  I was really glad it was about remembering, and not just the whole new-year-new-start propaganda that assaults us from every media outlet at this time of the year.  I have a problem with that kind of thinking.  Some people would argue that anything that stimulates a new, better, healthier behavior is good.  It seems to me that if you can magically erase all of your past behavior (read: failures) then you can't really claim your success going forward.  If you aren't responsible for what you did, how can you be responsible for what you are going to do?  


We encourage children to remember stories from their childhood and babyhood, events they can't possibly remember.  We tell and retell family stories.  As people of faith we remember the stories of faith, the grace, the gift of God who knows everything about us. But it is not just remembering the past that defines us.  George Santayana said, "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."  If we want to avoid that trap, we must also actively claim our histories.


But where does this take us with God?  I know that I am perpetually in need of a new-year-new-start.  Truthfully, several times a day would be nice. And I in this case I would also really like it if that new start could erase my mistakes, even the ones that no one else knows about.  It is really uncomfortable to look at and remember mistakes, even though I know that without that introspection I can't learn the lesson.  But what about the judgement?  The condemnation?


Remembering, not looking back, will help us move forward.  Claiming our past, mistakes and all, will allow us to grow, move forward.  I really want to believe that owning those memories will be like the experience described by people who have had near-death experiences.  They almost always describe an overwhelming sense of love and acceptance in the form of a light, and having a life review in that warmth and caring of that light. It is just so difficult to let go of the fear... of judgement.  And the purpose of that review?  To help us see where we we have been and where we are being led.  The trick is to then be strong enough to pay attention to the signs... and follow them.

Does It Matter?

John was preaching a universal baptism of repentance and forgiveness.  Cleansing of the soul by cleansing the body in a dirty river. I think we all understand why we need that dip in the river.  (I could use that help four or five times a day.)  But why was it necessary for Jesus to be baptized by John?

There have been many answers suggested for that question.  The one I liked best was to please his mother.  Others include transforming himself from fully human to fully divine, identifying himself fully and completely with sinful humanity, foreshadowing his acceptance of death, reenenacting Israel crossing the Jordan into the Promised Land, instituting a sacrament as He did with Communuion and the Last Supper, and finally as a beginning - to mark the close of his "childhood" and the beginning of a wandering ministry.

Looking at all those reasons put me into brain lock.  So many different perspectives, reasons, sources, outcomes.  I can see validity in each of the explanations I have found so far.  Contemplating and considering each has given a deeper and more defined understanding of my own faith and beliefs.  Life is messy, dirty, just like the desert and the river, but God was there and is here.

Then MY question popped up in the mdist of pondering.  Does it matter?  What difference does it make to my faith and actions to understand why Jesus was baptized?  The bottom line is that God is there when things are pretty and nice and going the way I want, and God is there when things are messy, disappointing, overwhelming and seem disastrous.  The challenge is to remember and accept that.   I thought of it like the time when we were at our wits end and a friend brought dinner for us.  Did I really need to know what the friend's motivation was, or was it simply enough to accept the gift and be grateful?

Short and Sweet

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and wishing you health and prosperity.