This Learner has been struggling with so many questions lately. Some of them are speed bumps like the person who just cut me off in rush hour traffic, the lost dry-cleaning, the 6,439th break down of my sixteen-year-old car. Some of them are sinkholes like why do parents get ill, suffer, die; why are young people struck with disabling, life-threatening or life-claiming illness; why do people who have fought and worked hard all their lives have to face more adversity in their "golden years"; why do loyal, hard workers lose their job; why is life so hard for some people; why are some left behind, even when they are ready to move on to the next life; why can't I have control of any of these issues? I have an abundance of why's. Unfortunately, I am not hearing any answers right now.
In my head I know that faith is accepting that there will be questions, there are answers, I just don't always get to know what they are. Faith, for me, is about living with the questions, talking about the questions. Faith is also about being OK with the fact that my heart still really wants the answers, and wants them badly enough to get really angry when I don't get to know them. Some days I honestly feel like stomping my foot and shaking my fist at heaven, or throwing myself on the ground in a full out, rolling, squirming, crying, wailing, two-year-old tantrum. Cognitively I know that neither will do me one bit of good, but emotionally I know either would release some of the frustration and maybe allow me to move one.
I have been trying to look for more positive, productive, socially-acceptable ways of coping with the questions. In my quest to help a friend with the same issue I came across the following, attributed to St.Francis de Sales:
Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow; the same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day. Either He will shield you from all suffering, or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace, then, put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations, and say continually:
"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart has trusted in Him and I am helped. He is not only with me, but in me and I in Him."
That last part has been my mantra this week, and it does seem to be helping. Hasn't really reduced my road-rage issue, but it is helping with the bigger questions. Slowly, but helping. That leaves me wondering how do you deal with the questions? What helps you get through the issues in life, not just the speed bumps, but also the ones that are more like sinkholes that could swallow you and your entire life whole?
A Tale of Watching for Signs:
ReplyDeleteA couple of weeks ago, I was cutting the back yard and ran over a hornet's nest. I got about six or seven stings which were resolved within a week, but I really haven't been too enthusiastic about cutting the grass since then.
The back yard hasn't been cut for about three weeks now, it is supposed to storm tonight, and our schedules will make it at least a week and a half until we can get to it again. I don't think our neighbors will like that, so this morning I resolved to cut both front and back.
I don't know about your yard, but the emergence and hibernation of the 13 year cicadas has led to an incredible abundance of moles. As I cut my hot, dusty yard, also being dusted by the cars flying up and down the gravel covered street (paving in progress), I started to get into a really foul mood. About a third of the way through the front yard, some tiny, bullet fast birds started dive bombing me. I stopped, and asked them, "Really?! You are really going to add this to my list of grumpiness for the day?" I continued, and while they kept dive-bombing me I just did my best to ignore them and keep going.
The back yard is a disaster, so full of mole tunnels it is more like cutting dirt with a few weeds thrown in. I was extremely wary and cautious when I got to the area where the nest is. I was never able to determine its exact location, so I ran - well, tried to run - through cutting that section of the yard. As I paused to catch my breath at the end of a row, one of those stupid birds came whizzing by my ear and I saw it! It caught a moth in mid-air! Amazing!
But, the revelation I had next was even more amazing. Those little birds, the same ones I had been cursing in the front yard, were actually plucking off bees in-flight. They were PROTECTING ME!
I'm not exactly sure what my lesson is supposed to be, but I think it has something to do with having faith, and being open for the signs that I am supposed to follow. I think I'm trying, but as Yoda says, "There is no try. Only do."